Grime Scene Investigation
I didn’t manage to catch the last couple of episodes of How Clean is Your House? on C4. When the first one aired my mother immediately phoned to demand I watch it. I’m not sure what her message was there: “here is a cautionary example, this is what I’ve been trying to save you from becoming” or perhaps “here’s your chance to experience the thrill of house-keeping criticism vicariously”.
Sadly, only the first half of the show features the guilty pleasures a close-up look at the filthy, filthy hovels other people are living in. The second half is the tedious cleaning itself complete with handy tips (90% of which are: “use vinegar”).
In a way it reminds me of the characters in CSI. That show features six or seven characters, all of them a variation of TV forensics (and, by extension, apparently all science) genius Dana Scully. Despite the various flaws and idiosyncrasies each character is imbued with (to unique-’em-up a little), there’s one trait they all appear to share: they’re all Mother-in-Law-style house-keeping snobs.
For example: they’ll be in the victim’s bathroom, rubbing swabs over everything, bagging bits of brain-matter or whatever, and one of them will say something like “God, when was the last time someone cleaned this shower?”.
Maybe it’s a common attitude for people who spend their working day sifting through guts and garbage. I guess it’s the kind of job that demands some kind of obsessive personality. I’ve never met a CSI in real-life but certainly the attitude of their fictional counterparts has affected me. When I clean now it’s not for myself, not for my mother, not for my guests. I now principally clean for the benefit of people who’ll be investigating the unusual circumstances of my death.
So in comparison, what’s missing from “How Clean is Your House?” is the dense science-speak and the expensive looking gadgets. Sure, they might send something “back to the lab for analysis” but that’s about it. A Biotrace press release invites us to “look out for successful Biotrace products such as the Uni-Lite XCEL luminometer and the company’s two rapid surface hygiene tests: Clean-Trace an ATP based test and Pro-tect a colour change protein test.” Sorry Biotrace, I must’ve blinked.
So how about a TV show featuring actual forensics teams examining real homes, ones that aren’t crime scenes. A potential nightmare for neurotic cleaners across the country (at least more real than some unlikely chain of events culminating in the Queen requesting the use of their lavatory). Picture a serious looking man in a lab coat inviting you look at a sample of your carpet through a microscope: ”Mites. Millions of them…”. Imagine men-in-black shining UV torches over your sheets, searching for errant fluids (a la Basic Instinct). Science finding the dirt that normal cleaning hides.
It’s Scully in the scullery. Ratings gold, trust me.
